Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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