Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
