He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
