Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
