I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
