Your dad touched me again.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
