I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
