I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
