he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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