I accidentally had phone sex last night
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
