tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
