Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My liver just broke up with me...
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
