I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
