i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize