i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
