Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
