He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Come see our sink grown plant.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
