I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
