whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
