I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
