I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The beers last night were like the tears from god
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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