I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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