Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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