if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
