I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize