youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
