I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
