We named our party play list daddy issues
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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