please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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