He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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