The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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