The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
