That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
