my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i was born a porn star she said
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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