im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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