We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
