Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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