Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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