Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
