I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
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