it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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