i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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