just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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