Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
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