I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
