My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
