I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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