umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
