Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
