Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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