and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
