My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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