no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
