Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
