I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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