Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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