I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
