are you still at the devil's house?
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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