Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
