I'm so fucking centered right now
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
