From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
