so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
