I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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