Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
