I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Two words: blizzard sex
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize