Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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