Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
