I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
