I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
