can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize