For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
