Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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