It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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