I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
