If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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