Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize