I just pynch a tree in the face
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
